Functional Fucking Everything
Can We Please Just Let Food Be Food?
Something has been happening to food.
Apparently, you just can’t have it simply being delicious as this isn’t enough anymore.
Food now needs a job.
Water can’t just hydrate you.
It needs electrolytes.
Coffee can’t just wake you up.
It needs protein, collagen and mushrooms.
Chocolate needs adaptogens.
Beer needs vitamins.
Jam needs fibre and collagen.
Ice cream is being dragged into the wellness department and asked what it intends to contribute to society.
Can we please allow some fucking food…
to just be food.
Because we’ve reached the stage where apparently everything we put in our mouths needs to provide some sort of return on investment.
Welcome To Functional Fucking Everything
“Functional food” isn’t inherently a stupid concept.
We’re talking about foods or drinks that offer something beyond their basic nutritional role, often through naturally occurring or added ingredients.
And some of that can be genuinely useful.
Foods fortified with certain vitamins and minerals have played an important role in public health. I mean look at all the cereals.
Higher-protein foods can be useful for people struggling to get enough protein.
Higher-fibre products can help people increase fibre intake.
There’s nothing wrong with improving the nutritional profile of food.
But the wellness industry has taken a perfectly reasonable idea and done what the wellness industry does best.
Gone full Spinal Tap and turned the dial up to fucking eleven.
Now everything needs to be optimised.
Your drink needs to support focus.
Your snack needs to support your gut.
Your coffee needs to support cognition.
Your evening drink needs to support relaxation.
Your yoghurt needs to support muscle.
And presumably your Friday-night takeaway will end up having to support something otherwise what’s the point.
We Have Healthified (is that even a word) Everything
This week there was coverage of an ice-cream industry trying to respond to changing consumer behaviour, GLP-1 medication and wellness culture.
One answer?
More protein.
Added vitamins and minerals.
Smaller portions. (WTAF)
More “functional” products.
At the same time, functional drinks are everywhere.
Electrolytes.
Probiotics.
Adaptogens.
Nootropics.
Mushrooms.
Collagen.
Protein.
We’ve even got non-alcoholic beers being positioned around hydration, recovery, focus and mood.
Have we completely lost the plot.
Because if I’m having an ice cream…
I don’t need it to contribute towards me living to 120.
I need it to be a fucking ice cream.
If I’m drinking a beer, adding electrolytes doesn’t suddenly make my liver go Thank you
And if I’m eating some chocolate, I don’t need ashwagandha sprinkled over it so I can pretend it’s now part of my stress-management.
Sometimes I just want chocolate. I say sometimes.
Your Diet Needs To Be Nutritious
Every Individual Thing You Eat Doesn’t
This is the important bit.
Nutrition isn’t judged one food at a time.
It’s the overall pattern that matters.
What does your diet look like across the day?
Across the week?
Across the month?
Are you getting enough protein?
Enough fibre?
Plenty of fruit and vegetables?
A decent variety of foods?
Enough essential fats?
Enough vitamins and minerals?
Are you eating roughly the right amount of energy for what you’re trying to achieve?
If so, Brilliant.
Then you have room for foods whose sole contribution to your life is:
They taste fucking lovely.
That’s allowed.
An ice cream doesn’t have to contain 25g of protein to justify its existence.
A biscuit doesn’t need prebiotic fibre.
A cup of coffee doesn’t need collagen.
And your Friday-night beer doesn’t need to support cognitive performance.
The Health Halo Is Doing Some Heavy Lifting
This is where marketing gets clever.
Put certain words on a product and suddenly we perceive it differently.
HIGH PROTEIN
GUT FRIENDLY
IMMUNE SUPPORT
WITH ELECTROLYTES
NOOTROPIC
ADAPTOGENIC
COLLAGEN ENRICHED
Suddenly something feels “healthy”.
But adding something useful to a product doesn’t automatically transform the entire product into a health food.
And more importantly…
you may not have needed the thing they added in the first place.
Take electrolytes.
They’re useful.
If you’re training hard for a long time, sweating heavily, competing in the heat or replacing substantial fluid losses, they can absolutely have a place.
But you don’t automatically need a neon-coloured electrolyte drink because you walked the dog for 25 minutes.
Sometimes water will do.
I know it’s very leftfield of me and out there.
Protein Has Become The New Low Fat
We’ve seen this movie before.
In the 80s and 90s, everything became:
LOW FAT!
Low-fat yoghurt.
Low-fat biscuits.
Low-fat desserts.
Low-fat everything.
And consumers learned:
Low fat = healthy.
Now we’ve seemingly replaced it with:
HIGH PROTEIN!
Protein yoghurt.
Protein cereal.
Protein coffee.
Protein bread.
Protein chocolate.
Protein ice cream.
And I like protein.
I’ve spent years telling people to eat enough of the bloody stuff.
It’s incredibly important, particularly as we get older and maintaining muscle becomes increasingly valuable.
But putting protein in something doesn’t automatically make it the optimal choice.
Sometimes it’s useful.
Sometimes it’s marketing.
And sometimes you’d be better off having the normal version you actually enjoy and getting your protein somewhere else.
Fibre Is Coming For Us Next
Protein has had a good run.
But fibre is rapidly coming up behind it.
Which again…
Good.
Most people would benefit from eating more fibre.
But you know what contains fibre?
Fruit.
Vegetables.
Beans.
Lentils.
Wholegrains.
Nuts.
Seeds.
Actual food.
If a higher-fibre version of something helps you reach your needs and you enjoy it, fantastic.
Buy it.
But we don’t need to turn every food into a delivery system for every nutrient simultaneously.
I don’t want my fucking Brownie providing complete nutrition.
I want it to be a brownie.
Then…..
Someone on the internet starts talking about something.
Cortisol.
Collagen.
Gut health.
Electrolytes.
Mushrooms.
Adaptogens.
Greens.
Longevity.
The wellness industry spots it.
Puts it in a tub.
Gives the tub a minimalist label.
Gets someone with spectacular abs to hold it.
And charges £30.
Problem solved.
Except the boring answer was probably:
Eat reasonably well.
Exercise.
Get enough sleep.
Drink some water.
Manage your stress as best you can.
Don’t smoke.
Don’t drink like you’re still 19. ( I do need to remind myself of this, probably more than I should)
Maintain a healthy body weight.
Build some muscle.
Move regularly.
Repeat for several decades.
Unfortunately, you can’t sell that for £39.99 with a subscription discount. Although I am trying.
Food Does More Than Deliver Nutrients
This is something I think wellness culture increasingly forgets.
We don’t eat purely to deliver nutrients into our bodies.
Food is culture.
It’s family.
It’s celebration.
It’s comfort.
It’s memories.
It’s going out for dinner.
It’s birthday cake.
It’s having an ice cream on holiday.
It’s fish and chips by the sea while fighting off a seagull the size of a Labrador.
Food can be nutritious.
But food can also simply be enjoyable.
And if every single eating decision becomes another opportunity to optimise ourselves, we’re in danger of turning eating into another fucking job.
You Don’t Need A Perfect Diet
You need a pretty good one.
Most of the time.
That’s a very different thing.
Build the foundations.
Eat enough protein.
Get plenty of plants.
Eat enough fibre.
Get a decent variety.
Mostly eat foods that provide useful nutrition.
Then leave some room for stuff that provides absolutely fuck all except enjoyment.
Because that’s part of a healthy relationship with food too.
And next time somebody tries to sell you an adaptogenic, collagen-enriched, electrolyte-infused, high-protein functional brownie designed to optimise your gut-brain axis…
Ask yourself one question:
Do I actually need this?
Or…
Could I just have a brownie?
Sometimes your coffee can just be coffee.
Your chocolate can just be chocolate.
Your beer can just be beer.
And your ice cream can absolutely just be ice cream.
Your diet needs to be nutritious.
Every individual thing you eat doesn’t need to prove its fucking worth.
